I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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