mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
