Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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