seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
