I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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