um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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