Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
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