When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
