I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
