I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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