note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
