what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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