I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
