you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
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