I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
