Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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