dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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