I just pynch a tree in the face
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
