last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize