im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
