I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
