i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
