The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
