Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
