why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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