just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
