Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
