meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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