Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
