it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
