So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
