Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
