besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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