I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
