My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I think my moral compass just broke
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
