can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
