just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
