he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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