Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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