Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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