i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
