At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize