I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
cat food counts as protein by the way
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize