david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize