NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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