Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
