4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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