I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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