is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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