I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
