All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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