Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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