you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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