I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
