glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
