you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
