I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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