I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
