im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
