I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
